This new years looked different. No matter what was going on in my life in the past, I was always able to look forward to a new year with hope and excitement. But this year was scary to walk into. I’ve been walking a long journey filled with unexpected pain and emotional wounds that feel so deep that they seem they will not be healed for a long time. I’ve heard the saying that a new year is a book with 365 blank pages waiting to be written, but I feel afraid of the additional pain that may end up being a part of my story this year and the progress in healing that may not be.
Alongside this fear, I have a sense of gratitude. In the past year, I’ve become intimately acquainted with God. Pain has a way of making that happen. The deeper the wound, the less earthly comforts there are that can provide any sense of relief and you turn to the One who is always with you. Many nights I have called out to God in tears and at times it has felt like I only have Him. I have kept going, believing that God has a reason I’m still here and a purpose for me that cannot be taken away and that I need to fulfill. I look back on the long journey it’s been in this survival-like mode, the long string of days that I felt I couldn’t make I through, and I know God was walking with me the whole time.
“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.”
Isaiah 43:2
Another thing that pain does is help you recognize the pain of others. I have a few close friends that are dealing with their own serious hardships involving grief, heartache, uncertainty, anxiety, and depression. It seems like we’re all in a phase of life with unexpected difficulty in which our circumstances are nothing like what we thought or hoped they’d be. Although I pray for a resolution to my friends’ pain, I am grateful for the dynamic of compassion that has been infused within our friendship. On one of the darkest nights I’ve had, I called a best friend while crying in a parking lot with the heavy weight of pain upon me, truly feeling like I couldn’t make it one more moment. That night, my friend made plans to come visit me a couple weeks later. After our call, she let me know she was coming and it moved me so much to know of the distance and time she was willing to take to show care and love for me during a dark time. In the follow days, my pain was still with me, but I walked through the difficult moments with something to hold onto. Other times, I’ve been that friend for someone else, holding myself together to be strong and offer comforting words, listen to their story, or stay awake near them as they try to get some sleep.
Even though we’re most often not in the same place physically, I know my hurting friends and I are walking together. It gives me purpose to keep going, because in a way, it feels like my own persistence to keep walking helps my friends believe that they can keep walking too. We text, call, and video chat with each other. We read books and share encouraging verses and words. We let each other know when the day has just been too much. We remind each other that God is with us and that we can place our hope and trust in Him even when things feel uncertain and we can’t imagine feeling better.
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”
Proverbs 17:17
In addition to these friends I know and love, there’s women I’ve never met but look up to like Lysa Terkeurst and Jane Marczewski. These women have bravely shared their stories of struggle and pain, and they so beautifully encourage others to keep going both through their words and own example. Although I’ve never spoken to them in person, knowing a portion of what they’re going through and knowing that they are in their own worlds trying their hardest to make it through the difficult days makes me feel connected to them.
Whether it’s friends we lean on or strangers we’re inspired by, it is an incredible blessing God has given to us to be able to draw strength from walking together. And that is something I want to hold onto this year. Even with all the fear I have for what lies ahead in the coming days, and even though it may be a much longer journey before my heart is healed, I know I’m not walking alone. I know that continuing to walk and making that choice every day is meaningful. I hope you can cling to that truth this year and let it give some comfort to your heart. You aren’t alone. Not one of us is alone. We’re walking with God and we’re walking together.