These words are ones I’ve avoided writing for most of the summer. They existed in my mind and heart and floated around for a long time before I found the courage to start writing them down in a notebook I brought with me on various solo adventures. I’ve been intimidated by the thought of combing through the mess of words to get to the ones I think God wants me to share, but I’ve promised Him I would try.
This was the summer I was supposed to get married. As most of us have discovered by now, it’s the “supposed to’s” where our hearts get broken because nothing in life is certain. There’s a hundred ways I could describe what that has entailed for me, but the one I’ll choose is this: I thought my dad would walk me down the aisle this summer to marry my best friend. There’s also many ways to explain how that dream died, but what I’ll say is that I’ve had to mourn two people in different ways with a pain that has felt too much to survive at times.
I’ve realized a big part of heartbreak and grief is not a single moment of loss, not just one event that shocked you and broke you, but also the days and moments you must walk through that would have been, that were “supposed to” be, so different. God doesn’t leave us alone in these times and I believe He often uses the journey to share loving truths with us. In that spirit, these are a few things I have come to know this summer:
The world’s words are not God’s words.
Our greatest heartbreaks leave us with the most questions and confusion. I’ve realized a source of pain beyond what happens to us is the answers the world has for the questions our hearts ask while hurting. When some form of devastation hits, so does a tsunami of words. Words trying to advise. Words trying to comfort. Words trying to empower. Words asked for and words unsolicited. Words from our families and closest friends. Words from strangers. Words we actively seek out and words we find while scrolling. And lots of words in our own heads.
From all these words, I’ve experienced how the world glosses over the most painful parts our lives with cookie cutter phrases like “Life isn’t fair.” The world isn’t very compassionate to pain in the first place but then the advice it gives is even worse. The world vilifies people who hurt us, rarely offering gentleness to the truth that it’s the amount of love we have for people that fuels the hurt we experience. The world advises us not to think of our pain, and instead to distract ourselves. The world recommends we fill the empty spaces of what we lost with other things- other people, fun experiences, pursuit of successes we’ve never had before, activities to help our self-image and take pride in how we appear from the outside. I tried to ignore how these words made me feel until I realized it was those very feelings I needed to pay attention to. The world’s words left me feeling empty, misunderstood, and often times more alone than I did without them. I couldn’t always pinpoint what it was, but something about them was always unsettling.
The feeling was the opposite of the comfort I felt in the words God had for me. God never told me to get over what hurt me and move on. God didn’t say I’m not moving fast enough. God had no cruel words for anyone I loved. He never compared my wounds to anyone else’s. With God, I was allowed to come as I was. He told me I was fully known and loved. He told me He knew all of the characters in my story and that He loved them even more than I did. He told me He had enough mercy for all of us. He reminded me that everything in this world is temporary and to focus my eyes on what is eternal. He told me He was walking with me through the darkness. He encouraged me to keep praying and to keep going. He promised me that one day there will be no more pain.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the Earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9
God didn’t want my heart to be broken.
When it feels like we’re broken, it’s natural to stare at the pieces trying to recognize where God’s plan is in it all. We wonder if God wanted this to happen to us and how such pain could be part of His plan. We ask why He gifted us such beautiful blessings just for everything to fall apart.
I’ve thought about, read about, and talked with others about God’s will and God’s plan. I think no matter how much we learn about His plan, much will remain a mystery about how it works along with His sovereignty and our own free will. We’re often encouraged to trust because “if it happened, it’s part of God’s plan.” I don’t agree with everything that’s said about God’s plan, including that statement or at least its typical interpretation. I think we often confuse God’s plan to mean that He likes everything that happens to us, instead of His plan divinely and inevitably persisting through everything that happens.
While I’ll never fully understand how God’s plan works, I know that every good plan comes with a set of commands. While His plan may be confusing, His commands are clear. He commanded us to love Him and to love one another. Anything that isn’t loving goes against this command. We can be assured that God doesn’t want us to hurt others in unloving ways and He doesn’t want us to be hurt by the unloving actions of others. I believe in a sovereign God. I believe everything is in His ultimate control. I believe He can change anything at any time. I have prayed big prayers while holding all these beliefs, but I also know that God gave us free will. It is free will which allows love to be meaningful because it’s something we choose. Free will is an integral part of God’s plan because His own will is for us to choose to love Him and each other as He commanded. But that doesn’t mean God is sitting on the sidelines cheering on a tackle that left you down just because it would make you a better person. What we choose to do to others and what others choose to do to us is not always, and often not, what God wants and hopes.
When we experience pain in this world, we don’t need to feel betrayed by God. Being broken is not what God wishes for us, but we can feel comforted by the good plan He always has, which persists through everything that happens to us.
“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11
Jesus is with me in the dreams that have died.
I read a quote that said, “You don’t just lose someone once. You lose them every day for a lifetime.” When my dad died, I thought about having to walk through the weeks ahead, how I would have to pull up to the house and he wouldn’t be there. How we never finished the Christmas songs we wanted to learn on piano and guitar and play together. How the holidays would still come without him. It felt impossible. Then I thought about the months and the years ahead. How I would have big news and not be able to tell him. How we would never visit the places we wanted to see again. How my little niece would continue to grow, and he wouldn’t be there to witness it. This summer I thought about my dream of him walking me down the aisle to marry my best friend, and how that dream at one time felt certain but now the characters of that dream are gone.
All the little and big dreams that have died have been overwhelming, a pain that has felt like it’ll never go away. And at times the painful truths I have gained in knowledge have felt just as hurtful as what I’ve lost. The truth that our loved ones can pass away suddenly. The truth that our loved ones can leave us without warning. It wasn’t until I experienced these things that I paid attention to how Jesus also lived with these painful truths. Jesus broke down and cried for His friend that died (John 11:35). And Jesus felt the pain of knowing people could leave Him. When Jesus began doing miraculous works, He started to gain many followers. But Jesus knew He couldn’t trust them, because He understood human nature (John 2:24-25). Later, after many of His followers had deserted Him because of the words He spoke, He sat with the twelve apostles and asked them, “Are you going to leave me too?” (John 6:67). I realized that the painful truths I learned are the same truths that Jesus lived every day of His life knowing.
From this, I know that Jesus is with me in the people I mourn, the dreams that have died, and the painful truths I have come to learn. He understands all of it fully and there is no hard thing I will ever have to walk through without Him.
“Be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”
Matthew 28: 20
This is part of my Love story.
Towards the end of this summer, I went to Hawaii for the first time. One of my last evenings there, I sat alone on a beach. The sun was going down and it was one of those sunsets where the clouds and colors cooperate in just the perfect way to look heavenly. As there were a few families and couples around, I started to think about how it would feel to be sitting next to someone I love. I remember all the special feelings of being in love. I remember laughing and dancing. I remember feeling like it was safe to build up memories in my heart because I never imagined a reason they would hurt later. If I had to describe how I felt in all the small moments, I would say that I felt at home. I’m still in a place where I can’t imagine feeling at home enough with anyone again. I have felt a deep sadness over the things I’ve lost, not only people, but also trust and peace and that feeling of home.
As the sun continued to go down, I felt a strong presence of God with me. It felt personal to be there, like God wanted me to see and experience something so beautiful. A sense of gratitude washed over me for being brought to that moment and for all the days God carried me through to be there. I’ve never been so close to Him before, and not because of anything I’ve done but because of the ways I’ve experienced Him. I’ve experienced Jesus as a rescuer, a listener, and a comforter. When I feel darkness again, I remember all the nights He stayed with me while I cried. I have built up memories in my heart with Him now from all the ways He’s been with me. These are the memories I can feel safe holding on to.
Knowing Jesus in this way is the most special thing that I could experience in this life. I often don’t feel that way, and I have spent time wishing away the hurtful things and longing for all the “supposed to’s.” But I can choose to believe that the most painful times in my life can be the most meaningful parts of my love story with Jesus, and I can choose to love how beautiful that is.
“I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love, I have drawn you to myself. And I will build you up again.”
Jeremiah 31:3-4